independence is such a bitch

So here it is - blog #1 not on Myspace.

I have been attempting to learn how to love being alone for the past year. Since my boyfriend and I broke up last March I had all these pieces I had to put back together. It was one hell of a puzzle, but with the help of some good friends, good places, good drinks, and good music I feel like I am where I wanna be.....

Then last night, as I am drunkingly roaming from bar to bar, I realize that being comfortable in this spot may be comfortable, but it is also scary as all hell. I enjoy my time alone, but I am afraid of how comfortable I am with it. I don't feel like I need anyone. I don't need to put myself out there, and get my feelings hurt. I don't need to worry constantly about little things. Then I start thinking about how boring my life will be without all of them. Now that I have figured out that being myself is wonderful, I start to think that maybe I want to be part of something greater, but I am terrified.

Please bear with me. Sometimes I get confused, or distracted, and don't think about what is going on. I am trying to take things at face value and that slows things down a bit. It is always more fun to believe the fantasy you have cooked up in your head than what is really going on.

I ramble sometimes......

I am a COMMITMENTPHOBE. It's official.

I had a dream that this boy I like told me he was falling in love with me. I don't remember much about it except that I woke myself up shaking my head no. Maybe I wasn't dreaming, maybe it really happened. I have no clue, but that isn't the important part - my reaction is. I am terrified of being in a relationship - a real one. Not the kind where you go out for drinks all the time, and occasionally sleep together, or maybe watch a movie. I am terrified of a real one - where you open up to another person, and you take their secrets and fears and make them your own. To fall in love with someone and be scared for you, them, the future, making things "ours".

Not everything I write will be about relationships, or me, or you, but this thought has been dominating my mind for the past two days.

Thank you vodka for opening my eyes.

Love always,
brit.